What can I say? He’s The Boss…
Listen you don’t have to tell me twice about being attracted to children. But what if was a hypothetical child? What if it was Benny from the Sandlot? Would you hate me so much then? He was a babe plain and simple. And being a babe at 15 years old (his age at the time of release) will always turn you into a bad news dude.
Chris Farley, may he rest in peace, is a lot of things. Attractive is not one of them. He is however, huge, sweaty, and coked up. But he’s Chris Farley! He’s so lovable! Just not in a sexual way, right? I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m supposed to think, yet somehow I can’t help but fantasize about what would happen if I were alone with Chris Farley….in a van down by the river. So romantic.
George Lucas is the ultimate neck beard. While I may not want to get giggity with George because of this, I would like to hate fuck him as a favor to all of my fellow nerds out there. You know, as punishment and all of that. George is totally a masochist, don’t let him fool you for a minute.
Okay, so Joel Hodgson hangs around with puppets all day, and Mystery Science Theater 3000 is kind of a kids’ show, but if he’s going to be stuck on a spaceship forever, he must need some ladies. Sign me up.
Rex Manning is kind of a meta Bad News Dude. He’s a washed up soap star, turned Rod Stewart-esque singer in Empire Records. Except not nearly as successful. He’s full of himself, a complete dick and soooooooooooo cheesy.
Yet. Well. When Cory BRINGS REX HIS LUNCH and he starts to take Little Rex out (sorry), I get annoyed EVERY TIME. Fucking Cory, you are a goddamn goodie two shoes! Sure his shirt is purple, and lord he’s crass, but as we learn later he’d fuck you 10 ways from Sunday on top of a copier. Who better to pop your cherry than an aging pop star wearing a choker? It’s a story.
Smug and smarmy dudes may be a fuck you feel guilty about later, but if you’re into self-loathing, they can work out some of your kinks. Cory should have let her ho out, I would have bent over that lunch table and accepted my punishment.
what kind of man would leave a hot, desperate woman outside his door, then slide her a bowl of milk? on the floor? A COLD TONY.
what kind of man would sex you with a cherry pie? A BADDY DADDY.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT JHERI CURL. it’s like jesus himself descended from the right hand of god the father almighty (from whence he’s been chilling, judging the quick and the dead) and molded this man from an unholy clay made of of sex, the mystery of language and the universe’s harsh truths.
cole me down on the panty stye, mr. tang. sine my pitty on the runny kine. and when you break my heart, i will have seen it coming.