Listen, I don’t have to explain anything to you.
This is a man named Larry Jones. This is a man who is injured ALL THE FUCKING TIME UGH FUCK YOU. This is a man who owns a hunting ranch in Texas. This is a man who left his wife for a Hooters waitress. This is a man who I once met at Peachtree Tavern while he was totally wastey face — and me … I was wastey face too. This is a man who had a rep for doing coke in the bathroom of Buckhead bars. No wait, that was Quincy Carter. My bad Larry. This is a man who I would let slide into my homeplate, any time day or night. This is a man who reduces me to bad baseball puns.
I finally figured out why I hate Cam Newton so much and why it enrages me every time I see him. This is painful so bear with me. Like fucking rip my heart out. UGH. Okay deep breaths … FINE OKAY. FINE. THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO THIS MAN. He’s smug, he’s an asshole, but he is adorable. And large. Tall and pretty. Great smile. I would let him get it so many ways. Because I feel like you’d need to be kinda kinky for this one. Challenge accepted Cam!
Plus my love of hate fucking is well documented. It’s my favorite thing to do when the Bulldogs lose, so if I could do it with Cam Newton then my life would be so awesome.
But seriously, fuck Auburn.
It’s not a matter of looks with Alec Baldwin, he’s always been sexy (have you seen his chest hair?). The problem we have with Alec is that he’s built up a reputation of being a not-so-great guy. His role on 30 Rock has redeemed his character somewhat, but I don’t think we can forget about the voicemail he left for his daughter. Either way though, none of us could resist those piercing blue eyes (and that chest hair OH MY GOD).
I’ve had inappropriately dirty thoughts about Steve Buscemi since he was Ellen’s dad on Pete & Pete. At first I thought it was because I was in high school, and having inappropriately dirty thoughts about pretty much everything with a penis at the time, but Steve has been an enduring crush. You guys remember that time in Con Air, when he was the worst serial killer around, and he talked about wearing some lady’s face as a hat? Well I can definitely see Mr. Pink wearing me as a face mask, if you know what I’m saying.
If you follow my personal blog, you may have seen me post about wishing Alan Rickman was my boyfriend. It started as a joke, because it just sounds so funny to me. But honestly, having Professor Snape as my boyfriend seems pretty good to me. Imagine that voice waking you up in the morning. unf.
My myth suggestion to Adam and Jamie is to investigate whether or not I’m currently wearing a thong as underwear. (Busted! They are bikini cut, but I digress.) I am so jealous of Kari Byron, you have no idea. To hang around with two dudes, solve questions you think about when you’re high on a friend’s couch in college, and blow stuff up. Dream Job. Dream Men. Listen up, bros, and the ladies will tell you- intelligence is a turn on. And these two have it in spades.
At this point I don’t even know if Kevin Spacey belongs here. But here he is anyway.